adventures, blogging, children, depression, family, health, instagram, mental health, motherhood, mum blogger, mums, parenting, self love, seperation, style, Uncategorized, women, writing

Ten New Years resolutions that will help your mental health

2018-background-celebration-714703It’s New Year’s Day and I am hungover. Not the best start to the year but my mind seems to be in a good place and I am determined to start this year as I mean to go on. My mental heath is a priority to me, and in my opinion it should be everyone’s priority. Some of us may assume that our mental health is always going to be good but why take it for granted.

I have made ten resolutions that I think will help you stay mentally healthy…

1. Get more exercise

I try to run three times a week, I plan on continuing this and also would like to add some strength exercises because I am not getting any younger and my arm skin is starting to flap. The benefits of exercise are multiple, not only does it help you stay in shape but for me it’s a mental exercise, a time to reflect and also gives me the best sense of achievement. Get yourself moving!!

2. Get more sleep

I am a terrible sleeper, I regularly wake at 2.30am and stay awake for hours. So this year sleep is going to be my priority. I am going to ensure I relax in the evening, read instead of being on my phone and get to bed early. I have said it time and time again but lack of sleep is my number one trigger for my mental health to slip, so it makes sense that it is my priority.

3. Get off your phone

The new iphone updates remind me of the amount of screen time I have had. Its shocking and I am pretty sure I am not alone. The problem with our phones and social media is that its a constant comparison competition and thats not healthy. We rarely post a pic of a really average fairly lousy day but we do post the happy moments. Even though we are aware that this isnt a true reflection of peoples lives we still compare ourselves. So for me, the phone is going down more and I am going to enjoy my life and those around me.

4. Learn something new

For christmas I got roller skates and I am determined to become good at it (i will be cursing myself when I am sat in a&e next week with a broken wrist). Its about doing something for yourself and having a sense of achievement. I also want to make some crochet goods (a crochetting roller skater I hear you say). Pick something that you have always wanted to do and go for it (it can be big or small).

5. Plan your life

I love lists and I love a calendar but I still forget things. When I forget something I feel bad in myself. So lets plan more. I like to have a full page diary so I can list what I need to do each day. I also have a calendar for the whole family to use. A sense of being organised is incredibly calming for your mind.

6. Learn to meditate

At Christmas I was discussing this with my brother and we both want to work on taking my mind to a place of calm, to clarify our thoughts and have more peace. I have an app on my phone but eventually I want to be able to just do it myself, anywhere. By giving yourself a couple fo minutes everyday will give you so many benefits and massively reduce your stress levels.beach-calm-dawn-267967.jpg

7. Keep a diary

Whether its a blog or an actual diary its very cathartic to write down your thoughts. Its sometimes easier to read your thoughts once written down, plus I dont think we write enough nowadays. I plan on having a physical diary and from that I will use my thoughts to write blogs, or not… its just about releasing some of your feelings, worries and stresses.

8. Be kinder to yourself

Self belief is not something that comes naturally to me and I am very critical of myself. So this year I want to work on the words that I tell myself become kinder. I want to cut myself some slack and look at the positive things that I do. Self affirmations are a great way to start, write a list of what you want to hear about yourself and what you want to achieve in your day “I will be great today” “I will be kind today” “I am a strong person”.

9. Help others 

By helping others you are able to leave your own troubles and focus on someone else. It also allows you to connect with other people. I am not saying that you have to go out and volunteer all of your time but just the odd job here and there. Help a friend with the school run? Help an elderly relative take their shopping in? It doesnt matter what it is but I always thing that these good deeds will be payed back to you when you need help.

10. Be Thankful

Stop and think about all the wonderful aspects of your life (list them if need be). I soend so much time worrying about things and focusing on things that I cannot control I have prone to forgetting what I have. Take being thankful into your everyday and your outlook of life will become far more positive.advertisement-advertising-font-519

So I hope these 10 resolutions will help you, I have also written a few more personal ones for myself but I think these are pretty good all rounders.

Happy New Year to you all, since writing this my hangover has lessened slightly and i feel inspired to get my arse into gear and get dressed. Heres to a brilliant 2019.

xxx

 

Advertisements
adventures, blogging, body image, child, children, family, health, help, hip dysplasia, hospital, motherhood, mum blogger, mums, parenting, school, Uncategorized, writing

My Daughters Hip Dysplasia

 

IMG_3606

Some of you will have heard of hip dysplasia and some of you will not have. I am sure you remember at the hospital when they check your babies hips at birth, part of what they were checking is for hip dysplasia. When babies have it there are many different treatments. Some are placed in a spica cast which immobilises the movement in the hips, so allowing them to heal or form properly and others have operations early on. It must be hard for mums and dads to have to see this but from the numerous groups I am now a member of many of these babies go on to be absolutely fine and have no future problems. Having said this there are babies and children who aren’t as lucky and end up having to have quite a few procedures throughout their early years. With my daughter it was a very different case, as with her there was no indication when she was very little.

 

5 years ago Anya started complaining about pain in her hip, she was 7 years old. It wasn’t constant nor was it so painful that I initially felt there was anything to worry about, I thought it was growing pains or something like that. After a few episodes when I could see she was uncomfortable and then her teacher mentioning it at the end of school I took her to the doctor. We were sent to hospital for an X ray but came back with nothing to show on it. This went on for another 2 and a half years, trips to A&E and being told there is nothing wrong. Then one day a few months after an x-ray was taken I got a call from my GP saying that it had been reviewed and that they thuoght Anya had Perthes disease. This is when blood doesn’t reach the bone and so eventually the bone will deteriorate. Obviously I was very worried and we were referred to an paediatric orthopaedic surgeon at Addenbrookes Hospital.

 

It was at this appointment that we were told that it definitely wasn’t Perthes disease (huge relief) but it was hip dysplasia (worry again). It was clear from the X rays what the problem was and before I could catch my breath the surgeon was talking of which surgery would solve the problem. Anya’s hip didn’t sit correctly in her hip joint, it was as simple as that and surgery was the only option, if we wanted her to be pain free. It was also explained that if we didn’t operate, early arthritis and a new hip would be likely.

 

Over the next 6 months we had a few meetings with the surgeon. It was decided that she would have a femoral osteotomy on the right leg which would change the direction the hip sat in the socket. It was major surgery and as I had never seen any of my babies put under anaesthetic before, let alone cut open, bones broken and pinned together, the whole thing was hard to take in. The waiting time was lengthy with the NHS but eventually in November last year (Anya was 11), we went in to have the surgery.

IMG_3550

Anya was so brave. She had had a small procedure in the summer to put dye in the joint, so she was aware of what the going to sleep process would entail. She didn’t like it much last time so they gave her a pre-med which made her cry with laughter by the time time she got to theatre mearly from being pushed down the halls and waving at strangers. We left her for nearly 5 hours in theatre, I know this is Anya’s story, but for me those hours were the strangest and hardest of my life. I had complete faith in the team but still there were always risks. It was a struggle seeing her in recovery too as she would not come around and hours later she was still sedated (I think she just liked the sleep). She had also lost a huge amount of blood in surgery and was lucky to not need a transfusion, which will obviously lead to a slower recovery.

 

The next day the realisation of the extent of what had been done hit home. Firstly Anya was very sick from all the drugs and in huge amounts of pain, the morphine button was being pressed constantly and she went days eventually without eating. The hardest thing to see was that though they assured us the operation was a success she really couldn’t move at all. Though I think part of it was her fear, for the next 48 hours they spent managing her pain and eventually she sat up. The 3 days expected in hospital became a week, but in that time Anya became able to walk with her crutches and was taught to get up the stairs safely.

 

I am now going to jump to where we are 5 months later. It’s been a long 5 months with the logistics of getting Anya to and from school and catching up on school work. Then there were the few falls that she had (one of which was me throwing her out of her wheelchair – worst mum ever), these falls resulted in a pin that was keeping the plate on her bone in place moving. Her bone growth was also slower than it should have been but we are where we are.

IMG_4361

So now, we still have weekly trips to Addenbrookes for physio and just last week we faced our next huge hurdle to overcome. Anya’s legs are now different lengths, to such an extent that more surgery will be needed. I have to say I am pretty devastated but at the age of 12 being told by orthotics you will need to have “special shoes” made for life, I know it is something we will have to do.

In fact Anya will need another 3 operations, 2 (at least) to correct the leg length and one to remove the pins and plate and shave some of the hip bone away at this operation as her physical shape has changed. It is now wonky (her words are “I am like KIm K but only on one side). We knew it may show but not to this extent. There is an element of vanity here but I don’t believe that a girl her age should live with this if there is another option and they will be doing an operation anyway to remove the pins and plate when they shave the bone.

IMG_4356

Anya has shown the most amazing amount to courage to get through all this, the time in hospital, missing her friends, the endless appointments, the pain, the scar, having to walk with a crutch still. I don’t think many 12 years olds would cope so well.

 

We are not at the end of Anya’s hip dysplasia story and so I hope soon to write another blog about a child who can run again. I know that what we have had to do is so that Anya is pain free but I would be lying if I didn’t feel so much guilt about so many aspects of it all. If only I had spotted the issues earlier, if only I had pushed when we had the endless trips to A&E, if only I could be the one going through all this instead of her.

I know that it could be a great deal worse for Anya, and I am well aware that there are a huge number of children (and adults) coping with much more but as a mother I have found this extremely challenging. We are lucky to be where we are, and have the NHS, but I just wish this chapter of our lives will be over soon.

 

I have asked Anya to write her feelings and outlook about what is most definitely her journey

 

“When I was told I had hip dysplasia I was quite shocked and scared. When the surgeon showed me (on an x ray) what was wrong it seemed really obvious. In some ways I felt relieved because I finally had some sort of resolution to the problem. It was overwhelming, because they immediately started talking about operations, but I felt like I was in good hands.

 

Now I have had the operation the pain that I had in my hip has gone but I have pain elsewhere because of having the surgery and my (now) uneven legs make my back hurt. I am not nervous about having to have the upcoming  operations but I know that the results are not guaranteed so that scares me a little. I think the biggest issue is that it’s been so frustrating, I can’t do things I want to do, or see people I want to see but I know I am so lucky to have the care I have from the hospital and my family.”

anorexia, blogging, body image, children, depression, diet, family, food, health, help, meatfree, mental health, motherhood, mum blogger, mums, parenting, self love, Uncategorized, vegan, writing

When it comes to body image, how can I be a good role model?

18835806_10209441969221788_3202967441048474069_n

After having my first daughter I developed an eating disorder, I suppose it would come under anorexia as I really struggled to eat and felt like even the smallest amount of food would make me fat, I would skip meals by telling people I was going out for dinner later (and so wouldn’t eat lunch) and then do the opposite later on in the day, some days I wouldn’t eat, on days I would eat I would then make myself sick. I looked awful, really really awful. My skin was bad, my body was all out of proportion and my hair was thinning. I weighed 7 and a half stone, I had a BMI of 16.4 (that’s seriously underweight and should be between 18.5 and 25). It impacted into every part of my life and it would cause me panic when it came to anything food related for example family events, weekends away and birthdays. It was a very low point in my life.

Fast forward to now (11 years later) I weigh 9 and half stone and have a BMI of 20.6. I try and keep myself around this weight although last year I was a stone heavier, I only lost the weight again (very slowly) so my clothes would fit better as I can’t afford to buy a whole new wardrobe. I understand that I will always have a strange relationship with food and that I can slip into a negative place from time to time, but I have come a long way since those darker days, but what I must make sure is that I do not project this bad relationship with food and body image onto my children, but just how does someone who has had (and will in a small way always have) an eating disorder do that? How does any parent do that? We all have hang ups don’t we?

pexels-photo-356319.jpeg

I have used my experience as a mum to three girls (one of whom is at a very delicate age of nearly 12), plus I have done a fair amount of research. Here are my ideas how we project a positive body image onto our children.

  • Listen – When my child comes to me, I listen, no matter how silly or small the problem is I give them time. Obviously there are times where you have ask them to wait till you are free, but they do get my ear eventually and I do listen. When I am faced with problems about the body, or things that have been said about their image at school I sympathise, it doesn’t matter if what has been said is ridiculous, if it has hurt your child then its serious to them and to you. I let my girls know about situations in my life where I have faced similar scenarios as by letting them into my life I feel they let me into theirs a bit more. Yes we need to be strong for our kids but they also need to know we are human too.

  • Skills, talents and achievements – As we know there is so much more to us in this life than just how we look, but as a child/ teenager there will be stages where it doesn’t feel like that. As well a listening we need to make sure that our children know that their skills and achievements are acknowledged. Many of these skills (especially academically) will stay with them forever, where as the way we look will change drastically (looking back at photos of me aged 12 is actually hysterical and only my Mum would be able to tell that it was me). We are all special and unique, we are all good at things and we should all be proud of ourselves, this doesn’t come naturally and we must help our children realise their potential. So pay your children compliments, about the way they look AND what they are good at.

  • Self Love – This is the hardest one for me, and I cant preach that I am remotely good at it, but I do know its important. We must try and show outward body confidence, easier said than done, I know, but while researching for this and contemplating writing this bit of advice (as I feel hypocritical) it got me thinking that we all must try to be more confident for the sake of our children, and I think the more we do, the more we will believe it. Remember, our children think we are the most beautiful women in the world, lets not burst their bubble!

  • Self affirmations – A while ago, my best friend Jennie said to my girls that they must believe in themselves and love themselves, she told them to write self affirmations and say them to themselves every morning. Well, they sniggered at her. Later that week I made them do it, and though they don’t read them everyday, they decorated them and we have kept them, so when we have a down day we can get them out and read them. I kept them relative to their age, very simple to more meaningful, but not too complex. I have photographed mine and an example of a child’s. Give it a go, it helped me at least.
  • Dads – My girls are lucky enough to have a Dad and a Step Dad. A man’s perspective on women and themselves is incredibly important. The way that your husband or partner talks to you and them about appearance (men and women) is as integral as you as Mum. The same goes with the way they feel about their own appearance.

  • Food  – An essential part of life is eating and if you are like me, then sometimes it can be an issue. The way I see it is that you should show your children how to be healthy (by making healthy food choices and cooking homemade food) and also by having some treats. Let them see you eat a slab of cake once in a while, or a big burger and fries. Never eat in secret, this is a something I have real knowledge of and is very harming to children, there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to eating. I know some of us women like people to think that we live off lettuce leaves and air, but when we get home will be eating ham or another quick fridge find straight out the pack. Well I am telling you, we shouldn’t do this, for ourselves and our kids. Food is great, and is a social enjoyable thing, family meals are so important too, sitting toegther and enjoying food will give your children a healthy relationship with it.
  • Modern technology –  This is THE BIG ONE. The world has changed/ evolved and nearly all kids have use of the internet and eventually social media. I read a horrendous statistic today in an article called ‘uncomfortable in your skin report’ that young girls who use social media are bombarded by up to 5000 digitally enhanced images every week, what on earth will that be doing to the way they feel they should look. I don’t believe that we can stop this, yes we can educate our children to follow appropriate people but if you have a daughter like mine I think I am asking the impossible. She loves the Kardashians and that’s that. I think as parents in this day and age we have to adjust our mindset and work with this being part of our children’s lives, we have to teach them that it’s not real and I think we can show them some amazing people who are far better role models, so that they may follow them alongside the digitally enhanced loves of their lives. I have found a few amazing instagram/ web sites that are fantastic for every one to help with body image, firstly the beautiful Megan Jayne Crabbe (bodyposipanda) and Taryn Brumfitt (body image movement) both pages are rammed full of fantastic content. I have also attached a link to Taryns trailerHere  for her amazing Embrace documentary, give it a watch and if you want to you watch the full film on Netflix, I recommend it for all you Mums and Dads out there and then decide if you want to show your children, they advise on the website that it is for age 10/11+ but as that’s at the parents discretion.

I hope this has helped and as always I have found it invigorating to write. I hate to imagine my children being unhappy with their perfect bodies but I think we have to accept at times it will happen (I know I have already faced a fair few problems with the kids), it’s about us dealing with them and supporting our children in their journey.

Thanks for reading

Jo

children, family, help, motherhood, mums, parenting, Uncategorized, writing

Comparison Parenting

As women we are terrible for comparing ourselves to others, add to that becoming a mother and we become so much worse. We then compare ourselves, our parenting and (shock horror) our children.

It starts off when you become a first time mum talking to other mums because you want to get advice and bounce off each other, but as soon as you start to hit milestones (lifting head, rolling over, sitting up) then it is honestly impossible not to compare our own little babies with someone elses little bundle who somehow seems more advanced.
I remember going to a weigh in session with my eldest, I was sat next to another Mummy who was exhausted because her 9 month old kept running up the stairs when her back was turned. My jaw must have dropped, because my daughter would just sit and hadn’t ever come close to crawling, she hated tummy time and though strong on her legs, she just didn’t want to move. There was more chance her fluffy rabbit would run up the stairs.
I left the clinic and I found myself trying to justify it. It was probably because Anya was a little early or because she was a girl (not my normal feminist slant on life but I was desperate for an explanation) or, god forbid, was it because she wouldn’t breast feed????
Three months later, Anya was walking and those thoughts were a distant memory. (Also I have since had a 9 month old walker and it is in fact exhausting).

Sometimes my mind would go on a bender due to bragging mums (or proud mums may be a better way to define them), I remember an aquaintance once telling me her daughter had done a 35 piece jigsaw that morning (the kids were about 18 months old), I looked down at Tabitha (daughter number 2) as she was wrongly stabbing a wooden Melissa and Doug cockerel piece into the tractor hole of her farm puzzle and felt like I had failed her completely. Now looking back I realise that the mother who told me this probably wasn’t speaking the entire truth and if she was, well done for her little one because I am telling you Tabsy would have more likely eaten the 35 piece puzzle.

The comparing and worries don’t stop and when they start school it brings up a whole new pot of potential comparisons to make, the playground is the perfect place for proud parents to speak about their childs achievements, leaving mothers like me crumbling with self doubt. Whether it be which reading level your child is on, what part they got in the nativity or how many school awards they have had in assembly it just makes you compare (not always negativly, I must add). I feel very sorry for my eldest daughter, she is at secondary school now so had to have the full 7 years of my neurotic primary school sizing up.
Looking at all these differences I never blame/blamed my children, I blamed myself, I put it down to my bad genes or lack of my time with them. What’s abundantly clear to me now is that all this time I spent panicking about my failings were a complete waste, and if I am being truthful probably detrimental to my girls.

Kids are different and that is a fact. I have three daughters so it would be quite easy to compare them, but weirdly I don’t. I wouldn’t even consider it as they are completely different to each other and all have their own strengths and weaknesses, yet I constantly compared my daughters to random children.
I believe it is a natural thing to do but it needs to be something we should be aware of, not something that affects us. Yes, make note of what other children around you are doing as it can highlight you to real developmental and health problems (my youngest still walks on tiptoes and now is being referred to see a surgeon, I realised she should have grown out of it by seeing other kids her age walking flat footed, this is a positive comparison). What I have stopped doing is comparing abilities and seeing the difference as a problem but also to stop seeing it as result, yes be proud of our children accomplishments but be proud of them in their own right not because it is they are better than another.

My girls are my girls and they will reach these government implicated milestones when they are ready, they will also tick the schools boxes of academia when their brain allows but in the mean time they will flourish on everything else around them. My eldest daughter is academic, but not “sporty”, this may change or it may not (who cares), my second daughter will flip herself around the lounge in her leotard and has a flair for art, but she won’t sit on her own and read for love nor money. Lastly there is my third daughter who is 3, so I think that’s enough for her to get on with, isn’t it?

Love your kids, support them and help them fulfil their dreams, but from someone who knows, don’t keep them in a box of expectations because one of the most fabulous things about being a mum is knowing that your children have a glass ceiling to their potential and watching them on their journeys is magical, I can’t wait to see what is yet to come.

IMG_0825

family, mums, parenting, Uncategorized

NEW YEAR NEW CHANCES

This morning life came back to reality with a bump… 6.30am the alarm went off and downstairs I went with a toddler in my arms then made some coffee and toast for my husband and off he went to the first day of work for 2018.

Taking my coffee and heading to the sofa I flicked though Facebook, looking at people’s New Year snaps of clinking champagne glasses, beautiful homes and embraces so warm that it makes me question how two people I didn’t even know each other now appear to be BFFs. It then occurs to me I am bloody jealous of other people’s joy, and that is not a nice side of me. Social media is the worst for looking at other people’s lives and then comparing it to your life, at times it makes you grateful but if I am honest most of the time it makes me feel like I haven’t achieved enough and I’d even go as far as saying it makes me feel like I have failed.

I haven’t failed, I am married (to my second husband) and I have 3 daughters (from 2 past relationships), 4 step children and I live in a beautiful home in Essex. These are all great big ticks in life boxes but if I am truly honest I haven’t yet found myself. I don’t have a career or any idea of what I want to do/be/become. I have spent the past 12 years being a mummy and now Frankie is starting school this year it’s time for me to “find myself” and maybe just maybe become more than ‘just a Mum’. (Although I know that nothing will ever come close to being ‘just a mum’).

So as I have sat here and looked through people’s posed photos of happiness that have strangely made me question my life, I have made a decision that change has to happen. The truth is that I probably think/say this every year but the first step was to write it down (first blog done ✔️), and with the written word it now has to happen, right? Well no, but it’s a touch more likely.

So my initial plan is as follows

  • Write a blog (writing is something I have always loved and hopefully is cathartic)
  • Promote myself in a positive way, initially by promoting my blog (this is terrifying to me)
  • Read more about spiritual enlightenment (along with writing I am hoping to help my awful sleep and busy head)
  • Start something new (a business, a job, this blog)

And so with this blog I want to write about the highs and lows of being a mother, also the trials of trying to keep looking alright although year by year it’s getting tougher and finally follow my journey of finding myself in some way (see even saying it I am wishy washy). Here’s to an amazing 2018 and to being stronger, happier and healthier.<<<<<<
;